Snippets

On days like today, when I've gone to bed in full freak out mode and awoke, still panicking, the next day, I take some time to look through a book that's become my "anti-panic attack" book. It's a journal my friend Hannah gave me for my birthday this year, and I've begun to fill it with pictures and quotes that help me refocus and slow my heart down. In the interest of helping me do that this afternoon, I decided to type up a few selections from my book:

Cracks and Jesus Glue

   Some of you know that my mother suffered from bipolar disorder for many years of my life. She found support in church friends, on occasion, but I know others from our homeschooling or church circles gave her platitudes. Jesus loves you; you can do anything through him; I love you too, I hope you know that. None of that was particularly helpful, but for many I know they thought it was a genuine fix if she’d only listen.

I’m still a bit confused as to why Christians tend to think religious platitudes will help solve the great problems of life. I’m even more confused when Christians judge those who can’t ingest the platitudes and use them to turn their lives around. Sometimes things are just too broken to cover up with the clever use of a Bible verse, or a sermon, or a series on God’s love. My mother used to talk to me about “receptors” when I couldn’t understand her mental illness. “I can read a verse about God’s love a hundred times,” she said, “but until I can receive it, it doesn’t make a difference. Sometimes my receptors are damaged or numb, and I can’t experience the truth in the words I’m reading. I know it’s true, but it doesn’t change how I am or how I feel.”

Unworthy

Ephesians 4:1 -
"LIVE A LIFE WORTHY OF THE CALLING YOU HAVE RECEIVED."

It seems that I was called by God prior to "being worthy" of said call. Taken one way, that is incredibly humbling! God didn't see a "spark of greatness" in me, but rather saw a girl in a helpless state and a way for his power to be manifest.

Ephesians 5: 1, 8 -
"BE IMITATORS OF GOD... YOU WERE ONCE DARKNESS, BUT NOW YOU ARE LIGHT IN THE LORD."

Another way to see my unworthiness is as an encouragement. Even though I was darkness, he chose me and enabled me to be an imitator of the infinite God. I now have his power to do his will. He also gave me a commission to be "light" and "expose the fruitless deeds of darkness." God uses my worthless state to reveal his power and purpose in my life.

Looking at God's Will: "Obedience to the Heavenly Vision"

Obedience to the Heavenly Vision is a short book written by Sam Doherty, the former CEF co-director of Ireland and regional director of Europe along with his wife Sadie. I read it as a part of my support-raising training through CEF, but even if it hadn't been assigned, hopefully I would have picked it up at some point and read it through. I can't tell you how encouraging it was to me!

As I read Obedience, the personal nature of God’s vision stood out to me. Sometimes I’ve been frustrated with God’s call: why are there things He asks me but doesn’t ask my friends? Why does He send them through one route and me through another? I’m like the pot that asks its creator, why have you made me like this? I also frequently wonder if I’ve botched things up enough so that God will give up on me and take His vision elsewhere. But when I doubt my place in His plan, He continues to bring things into my life to remind me how He brought me into ministry, and that my place is here until He takes me out – things like this book.

For someone who tends to pressure herself and compare herself to others, it is liberating to read that His purpose in sending His vision isn’t merely for me to complete a task, nor is it to make me more like someone else. Rather, His revelation is to help me understand who He is; His purpose is to draw me closer to Him. Whatever God has for me will look different in some ways from what He gives to others, in the same way He made me different in looks and personality. Through this plan, He shows me that He values me, that He understands me better than I understand myself, and that His purpose for me is specific.

What about predestination?

One of my new friends sent me a short question today, asking for my thoughts on predestination. You know, just a little conversation starter. :)

I've thought about it often and at length, but it's still so hard to formulate an adequate discussion on God's role in our lives and eternal destinies.